Control: why wanting everything to go well makes us suffer

There is one idea that sustains most everyday suffering and is almost never named: the belief that if we watch closely enough, nothing bad will happen.

Control as the greatest human suffering

Control plays a central role in how conflict is generated. People tend to want to dominate every external situation: what they can see and what they cannot, what is happening and what is about to happen. They feel an enormous sense of responsibility for everything around them.

The cost shows up in relationships, in quality of life, at home and at work. Control generates insecurity and a permanent overload. And when the behaviour persists, it is accompanied by frustration, stress, anxiety, and at times depression.

Where that need comes from

Control is rarely about the present situation. It almost always has older roots:

• Lack of trust, in oneself or in others
• Experiences of abuse or mistreatment
• Fear of abandonment
• Fear of failing or of making mistakes
• Excessive perfectionism
• Rigidity and inflexibility
• Low tolerance and difficulty managing stress
• The need to maintain a supposed state of calm

Someone who needs to dominate situations tends to dismiss other people's opinions and ways of doing things. Not out of arrogance: out of fear.

The intruder in your head

Letting go of control is not achieved by deciding to let go. It is a process that begins with something simpler and harder: noticing.

1. Detect the behaviour and accept it. As long as control is justified as responsibility or as care, there is nothing to work with.
2. Go deeper into the emotion. Not into the situation, but into the fear underneath it. What do you fear will happen if you let go?
3. Challenge the intruder. Once you identify the thought demanding vigilance, observe it the moment it appears and refrain from acting on it.
4. Learn not to interfere with the opinions or circumstances around you.

What opens when you let go

Giving up control allows you to connect with deeper levels, because you stop tying your love and acceptance to results turning out the way you want. You let people be as they are. You stop attaching to how each situation resolves.

The tools are simple to name and demanding to practise: relaxation, prudence and patience. Learning not to suffer, so you can live more freely.

Control is without doubt the greatest suffering of the human being.

One clarification is worth making: observing your need for control does not mean abandoning your responsibilities or ceasing to care for what matters. It means distinguishing between what is genuinely in your hands and what you were only carrying out of fear.