Expectations: the quiet antechamber of disappointment

Expectations are beliefs that project the hope of achieving something. They are a belief about the future and are therefore built from material of the past: our experiences, desires and prior knowledge.

The problem isn't expecting. It's not noticing

Some expectations are subtle and light, like wishing for the sun to come out. They are wrapped in humility and trust. Others are so intense they exhaust us, and they place enormous pressure on those they fall upon — as when we expect someone to do something for us.

The problem is that expectations can end in not getting what we wanted. And then, rather than helping us, they bring us closer to frustration.

Five expectations almost all of us carry

Life should be fair. Thinking we can be spared problems simply because we are "good".

People have to understand me. Believing others think as we do and that we are right. Everyone has their own point of view, and it doesn't have to match ours.

Everything will work out. A phrase we tell ourselves to stay safe. Yet plans can reverse at any moment.

People should behave well. We expect others to be kind and willing to help. That will not always be the case, and it is hard to accept.

I can change the other person. Very common in relationships. But personal change comes from within. We can accompany someone in their change; we cannot change or "fix" them.

An expectation is not the same as a goal

This distinction changes a great deal. A goal is something you can act on: it depends on your actions. An expectation is an idealized belief about how things should turn out, and in most cases it links directly to frustration.

Three keys to not being let down

• Let go of those specific ideas in your head about how things must be.
• Expect less and act more.
• Live more in the present, which is the only place where you can actually do something.

Expecting things that are outside your control is the antechamber of disappointment.

Letting go of expectations does not mean becoming indifferent or ceasing to desire. It means no longer demanding that reality confirm the story you had already written.